TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let us have another location where by American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: provide Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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